God is testing me and I'm getting a D, minus

Faith was not something that has ever come easy to me.  I believe the story goes something like this: I was very little, just learning about everything and when someone gave me an answer to my many questions, my response was always "How come?"  Seriously, there are people in my family that refer to me as "How Come," like it is a nickname or something.  Some people may still feel that way about me today.  I am gal that needs proof.  I need to see hard evidence.  I need to know things for sure.  When it comes to faith, there is no hard evidence.  No "for sure." There is only what you believe, whether you can see it, hear it or feel it.  Over the years, I am sad to say the little girl that people referred to as "How Come" let the need for evidence and black and white answers get in the way of her faith in God.  Now, don't misunderstand me, I have always believed in God and viewed my relationship with Him as a priority in my life.  Where I got lost, was when He wasn't THE priority in my life.  That's where my journey begins now.  And that is why you find "Strengthen my Faith" at the top of my list.  

In my journey to a stronger and deeper faith, I have found many tests along the way and rightfully so.  Today is no different.  Today, like most days lately, I am again questioning God's plan for my life.  I'm a total control freak.  I need to know the who, what, where, when, why and how. I am also easily tempted into thinking the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. And the one thing I am ashamed to admit, I suffer from jealousy when I should be overjoyed for the people in my life because they may have reached one of life's many milestones I have not.  Tonight I caught myself again, asking why not me?  Why can't I be the one getting married in a few weeks?  Why can't I be one buying a house?  Why can't I be the one celebrating my anniversary or going on a first date? This went on for a bit and then I did, what I am still getting used to doing, I turned to the Bible and to prayer.  Hey, I was raised Catholic.  We cracked open the Bible from time to time, but from what I remember we never really read it on a daily basis.  It was more for special occasions.  Prayer however is not foreign to me... yet I have begun to refine my prayers.  I'd like to say they have matured... they are no longer based on the things I want.  They are prayers of thanksgiving for what I have and requests for strength or understanding for the things I encounter.

The one light bulb moment I have had in recent days, hours, minutes... is that the things I continue to fret about, the things that I let myself get worked up about over and over (my job, my single life, my biological clock, the flavor of the day at Kopp's) are the plans I have for MY life.  Which are NOT God's plan for me.  He clearly tells us that in Isaiah 55:8 - For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord.  That has become my new verse, mantra, what have you.  It helps put the things that make me a little crazy in perspective.  Well that and Garth Brook's "Unanswered Prayers."  Yes, I can be VERY cheesy.  Deal with it.  :)  

But seriously, this is an exercise of strengthening my faith and living the life that God intended me to live.  And for all of you that are following along at home, one of my favorite verses explains that in Joshua 22:5 - But take careful heed to do the commandment and the law which Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, to love the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to keep His commandments, to hold fast to Him, and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul.  I love that because it truly says it all and so clearly.

My challenge, like so many others, will be to make living God's plan the priority in my life.  In my opinion, the very best part is that I am not alone.  He is with me on this journey for I could never do this alone.  

OK, so maybe it is more like a C, plus.